Monday, February 06, 2006

Like I need it and monkey dung

So I am going to be on Restaurant Tuesday on John Carney's radio show. Funny. I have never been on a big time commercial radio show before. I remember when I was a kid I took a tour of one.

I used to listen to John back when he was on way late, after the big grumper. He was relatively new to radio at the time, I guess about eight or so years ago. I used to listen as I was counting down in the office at the old Side Door after a show. One time John was holding a contest on the air. The contest consisted of anyone who called in with the most interesting/strange/whatever superbowl party last year. The winner had John visit their party this year. I found it hard to think of that as a prize, but hey, it would be pretty funny to have John at a party.

So I called in to the radio show. I told him my name was Javier and I had a monkey at last years party. John, being a man of good humor, went with it.

"Yeah, I got monkey. He is so funny. I rented him."

"You have got to be kidding!!"

"Everybody loves the monkey. He always sticks his lips up in a funny way. Monkeys are so funny!"

"Are you going to have a monkey this year?"

"I am not sure. I think there was a problem. I am not sure if they will rent me the monkey this year, but I do plan on getting a llama, a sheep and some rabbits."

I then told him I had to go and called back the next night. Now friends of mine were listening.

Then the calls started coming in. People were hot. Everyone had an opinion. The general concensus was they did not approve. But it was a very funny debate, for a lot of people were having fun.

"Doesn't the monkey make a mess?"

"We put a diaper on him. Well, there was a problem. Even though I told all my friends not to give the monkey anything to drink or anything to eat, they did it anyway."

"What happened?!"

"Well, sure enough, one of my less mature friends gave the monkey something to drink."

"What did he drink?"

"Some beer. I think. I am not sure. But I am sure the monkey got a bit tipsy. It is hard to say really. I mean, I am not sure how a monkey acts when he is drunk. He just seemed a bit belligerent and happy about it."

"What happened?"

John was dying here. He was trying not to laugh, but he couldn't help it.

"John. It was kind of gross. I am not sure it is appropriate to say this on the air, but the monkey put his hand in the diaper. The monkey put his hand in the diaper and flung his own monkey dung around."

laughter. Lots of laughter. I started to go into more detail about the dry cleaning bills, how the monkey was now a regular smoker enough to prefer Marlboros and now the owner of the monkey would not rent it to me again, but it didn't matter, I had already gone far enough. John was just laughing so hard.

The next night a friend of mine called. Mark Rolf. Yes, the Mark Rolf. He called up. He did it in his moderately drunken Mike Shannon voice on top of it.

"Yes John, heh heh, I am the one who actually got the monkey for that Superbowl party."

"Where does one rent a monkey?"

Mark replied without any hesistation:

"Over at Monkey Monkey Monkey. It is located over in the Monkey District. Heh, heh. Everybody loves a monkey"

John lost it. I lost it as I was counting quarters. I didn't know Mark was going to call in, but I could tell that Mike Shannon voice.

So I have to bring John food for ten people and four gift certificates. I am supposed to go to the downtown studios of KMOX. How exciting. I get there at 10:45. I have to remember that. I guess I am on at 11 or 11:30. I hope the food doesn't get cold. Eh, maybe I will bring some liquid meals.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't hear the show, but I would have been able to had I known about it. How did it go? What was his/their reaction? I hope it went well.
-John Brooks

5:08 PM  
Blogger Steven Fitzpatrick Smith said...

Well, it is tonight so I can't say.

8:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crap, I guess I thought it was at 11:00am and didn't really think about the times, etc. So I would have been able to listen to it even then.


I missed it a second time. How did it go?

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hopefully it didn't go well, because Steve doesn't need the extra business. That's the point of your headline right? That you don't need more people finding out and that you don't need more press right?


9:55 AM  
Blogger Steven Fitzpatrick Smith said...

It went quite well. The Johns are pretty funny. I managed to spill an entire container of Subcontinentals all over me. I was a bit too smooth about it. I was drenched in gin and cucumber juice all over my shirt and pants. Carney told me some wild story about how he rolled with Pablo back at the old Hot Locust days with the story of him winding up at the old Way Out lying on his side playing the bongos in a suit.

There was some woman who was a wine expert or something right after me and she said that I sounded good. So did my mom. So there!!

I never had much pride anyway. Thomas Aquinas said of Pride "inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin (1,77) ... the root of pride is found to consist in man not being, in some way, subject to God and His rule."

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Terry said...

I listened. You did a good job. He made fun of your continentals doubling as carpet cleaner. i liked how you smoothly played it off. Good job. IMO, those guys are a

12:20 PM  

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